I'M DIVING IN!!!

I sat by my pond on Thursday morning feeling a bit anxious about my huge weekend ahead. I watched this little koi in the pond who normally swims by himself, but this morning was in motion with the big koi. Up until then, he felt like he was too small and it was too much of a risk to swim with the big fish. But here he was right with them. I smiled because I was waiting for him to get the courage to jump in. Every baby fish goes through this period.


As we headed out for North Carolina, "I'm Diving in" was playing on the radio and it pumped me up. "SHE SPEAKS...HERE I COME!" Chad was going with me as my support and Starbucks runner!


I woke up Friday morning feeling very confident as I prepared to head down to the conference and then I looked in the mirror...I WAS COVERED FROM NECK TO TOE IN A RASH!!!! WHAT ON EARTH WAS THIS? It didn't itch, it just consumed my every thought! Was I contagious? Could others see it? Was I dying? What was next? I gave it to God and moved on...I'm diving in!


I felt confident and sure that this was where I was to be...until the first session. I walked in and saw hundreds of women (560 to be exact) and I about came undone. What was I doing HERE? The devil whispered the same thing and I said, "I don't know!" Micca Campbell later said the same thing about the devil and I thought, "Man he sure gets around." I gave it to God...I'm diving in!


It was now time to head to my first speech evaluation. One sweet woman asked me where I was headed now and I told her. She said, "Well then...walk tall for you are in God's hands!" Wow! What precious words. I felt confident as I entered the room to give my first evaluated speech...my testimony. Then I stood up. This is always hard to share. The raw emotion sometimes overwhelms me. But here I go with 3 minutes. I asked to go first and gave it to God...I'm diving in....I made it through!


I felt good that night and OK in the morning, but as the day wore on, DOUBT set in as to why I was here. My testimony was stupid. I presented it badly. This is not what I was called to do and I should just go home and be THE MOM. I felt like that little fish in the big pond. Then sweet Amy Carroll, my She Speaks evaluator, saw me and told me how well I had done the night before and how she was looking forward to my next presentation that evening. What? I didn't stink? Are you sure? I gave it to God...I'm diving in!


FINAL EVALUATION....DUM DUM DUM DUUUUMMMMM! It went great but the buzzer went off...ARGH! I was really trying to avoid it. The women in my group were so wonderful. Their teachings were incredible. I loved them all! I thought to myself, "These are the women God has handpicked to reach others." What an honor to be with them here.


I came to She Speaks with the knowledge that if you are evaluated there is a door open to you to apply to be on the Speaker Team. When I read that I thought, "Hmmm! Is this really a door for me?" This is how I feel about doors...go through the ones open to you and God will shut the ones you are not to go through. So where was the table to apply? It was never talked about and I was discouraged. I figured I would just need to find a speaker and boldly ask. Easier said than done! There is nothing about me that is bold. I think it in my mind, but I don't act on it often. I know God is tailoring me in this area.


So I boldly, like a mouse afraid to get stepped on, decided to ask. When I made the move, God met me halfway when a speaker told me to apply even before I asked! WOW! How good is God! What does this mean? Who knows! Will I be accepted? Who knows!


I struggle with self-doubt heavily in this area of being called to speak! The one thing I walked away with from this weekend is that the devil wants nothing more than to pile on doubt in the area that God has called us in. And He wants us to be BOLD in the giftings He has given us. I don't believe it is honoring to God to shrink back from where He leads us. So I BOLDLY in the name of Jesus say that I am a speaker and this is my calling from GOD! I am a broken vessel that He has taken and used his Super Yahweh Glue on and formed into the vessel that He wants for His Ministry. I am change in God's pocket and He can spend me any way He wants! I am the little koi who God has been waiting to see get out of the shallow water and jump into the deep end! Who am I to argue with God?

"If You say,"Go," we will go.
If You say, "Wait," we will wait.
If You say, "Step out on the water and they say it can't be done, we will fix our eyes on you and we will run.
Your ways are higher than our ways and the plans that You have made are good and true.
If You call us to the fire, you will not withdraw your hand.
We will gaze into the flames and look for You!


I GAVE MY DOUBT TO GOD THIS WEEKEND...I'M DIVING IN!